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Trust

They lied, they gossiped, they stabbed in the back. They spoke in hushed tones, they judged behind my back and to my face. There isn’t a chapter of my life unmarked by the ugly side of female friendships.

Growing up I had Michael, Michael and Kevin by my side. Sure they farted and looked at my boobs and constantly had filthy detritus flowing out of their mouths in the form of jokes and sick stories. But they never gossiped or judged or stabbed in the back. I have been friends with these boys for 25 years and although we’ve had our drunken arguments and political screaming matches, never once have they made me feel the way women have. And any person with a rudimentary knowledge of math would look at this equation and think, “Hmm, go with the lesser of two evils.”

And so I carried on in life, carefully skeptical of women in my life. I tiptoed lightly, I watched and proceeded with caution and I am happy to report that the gaggle of girlfriends in my life has improved. But the conflict is never far from reach. Just when I think I am in the clear, I am swiped across the face with a pair of nasty women claws, sadly reminding me why I was cautious all those years.

DC has been good to me in the girl friend area. I’ve met a handful of amazingly intelligent, caring, inspiring, supportive friends. And alongside that group of friends was the MP. With all male-female friendships came the questions, the hushed whispers, the assumptions and confusion. “What’re they doing?” “Are they together?” “God they’re like the Costanzas, they should just get married.” So he and I treaded lightly and shared in our “partnership” at a snail’s pace. As we struggled within ourselves to define our relationship, doing so under the glaring, watchful eye of a dozen others certainly didn’t help matters.

Eventually we warmed up to taking the MP-LilSass show on the road. The more comfortable we became in our own “skin”, we let others see the funny, quirky side of us. We have been told on many an occasion how fun it is to be with us. How damn funny we are. And how great we are in the kitchen together and “Man, you really do finish each other’s sentences.” Our relationship is solid. Solid like a rock. We are the best of friends and sure, it’s a bit more complicated at times because well …. yeah … we’re best friends in a male-female relationship who continue to be single and not seek out partners and only share and grow and trust within the context of our own relationship. But as you know, I’ve grown a lot and am happy to have finally reached the “we’re never dating place” of my own accord.

Two weekends ago while in New York he and I were verbally accosted on the dance floor at the wedding reception. Ya know, a perfect time for a relationship assault. It went something to the effect of, “What are you guys doing? I don’t get it. You’re either together or you’re not.” (Pretend you’re on Jeopardy …. “I’ll take awkward and inappropriate for 500 Alex!”) While half-cocked he and I had to defend the nature of our friendship to one of our dearest friends. One of our friends who was so completely filled with rage that her face and chest was the color of beets. Our friend who clearly has some unresolved issues about a past male-female friendship of her own and apparently that evening, right there on the dance floor amidst the helf-nekkid samba dancer, was the time to tell us to FIGURE.IT.OUT!

I’m exhausted. I’m tired of “defending” what this relationship is. I am tired of hearing how “uncomfortable” it makes people feel (um, she took it upon herself to speak for others who apparently feel the same way. The evidence (read: post-conflict interrogation of our friends) says otherwise). So here I am with a bad taste in my mouth. I have battled the demons that are our friendship. I am so great with him being in my life.

It has taken me a long, long time to utter the words, “I have trust issues” and here I am being reminded why I can’t trust women. Because if they’re not whispering in hushed tones behind your face, they’re drunkenly screaming at you on a dance floor. About shit that is NOT their business and not their problem. I don’t know how much more I have in me to give and love and support of women in my life to be thrown under the god damn bus time and time again.

~~~~~~

You can g’head and say, ‘never trust a woman with no female friends.’ And g’head and try to psychoanalyze why I am the ‘common denominator’ in said female conflict. I am not wired like most women and quite honestly girls, I’ve got more of you on the interwebs than I do IRL. I don’t get it and I don’t know if I ever will. I am hurt and frustrated. I am already skeptical of relationships (in all forms, apparently) it sucks to be reminded why I should just keep going this alone.

14 Comments so far
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My heart breaks reading this — I wish I had some rational, practical advice.

I can only point you in the direction of yourself — be true to you.

Hey, you do what you’re comfortable with. Women can be catty, and if you get along better with men, so be it.

I read Dear Abby, and it perfectly acceptable to tell people who get into your business, to stay OUT of it because it IS your business, not theirs. =D
There is no law that I’ve heard of that says you must grow up, get married, have kids somewhere in suburbia and live happily ever after.
You are a unique, creative, caring individual and you don’t let other people define you. Do what makes YOU happy. I don’t have many friends IRL either, mostly because the ones I do have are an emotional, physical, financial drain.

Dude, you just gotta yell back. Women are catty and mean and lovely and loyal and complicated. You just have to decide if it’s worth it for you to have to deal with complicated. If not, walk away.

I know exactly what you are saying. I have very few women in my life that I would call a “dear friend.” I have always been more drawn to men for companionship because of their incredible willingness to let me be me WITHOUT all the judgment and bullshit. It wasn’t until I got married that I started to make more of an effort to increase my female relationships. But even so, most of the women I call “friend” now, are the wives of the men I was friends with in the first place. It kind of takes something out of the bond for me, if that makes any sense. I am VERY proud to call you my friend, even if it’s not in real life and I don’t even know your real name :). Kind of gives you that special charm for me!

I don’t have very many female friends.
I have a lot of acquaintances, and then a couple of true female friends that I’ve had forever that I truly trust, and the only NEW friends I make are boys.

Except that being a mom has sort of brought me back into girl-world. I dunno. It’s weird.

I don’t so much have trust issues as attachment issues, but I think that’s my own post to write, as opposed to your post to hijack in the comments.

Pobre Sass. Reminds me a teeny tiny bit of my sister’s relationship with her ex. But he’s gay so it’s a tad different.
I say: Do. What. YOU. Want.
I can’t stand when people take it upon themselves to be the spokesperson for a group of friends who all share a fucked up opinion. It’s so Mean Girls. Seriously. 86 that chick fo’ sho’.
But please don’t give up on all female friendships. What will become of our future together? You know I totally see us as the blogging Thelma & Louise, right?
I’m giving you a big hug right now. Feel better? Good, now I’m slowly dropping my hand toward your ass …

You know I always had mostly male friends as well for the same reason. I currently see myself as having two close girl friends and another handfull of casual friends. I have trust issues too….maybe we can counsel eachother at the slumber party….
At this age, friends should not still be judging the way she did. Hopefully she can realize that she’s projecting on to you and you can salvage your friendship but if it continues you may feel like saying peace out and I certainly wouldn’t blame you.

Huh, that sucks that ANYONE, male or female would treat you like that. Especially when it is someone who suppposedly IS your friend. You are a creative individual who should take no crap from anyone else NOR have to justify yourself to anyone.
You’ve worked hard to be who you are. Don’t let someone else’s issues and jealousies take that over.
I adore you…whether or not you are male, female or have lots of friends of either sex, or of no sex. You make so many of us think, smile and laugh. Keep it up!

I agree w/ Carolyn on this one. It shouldn’t be so much effort to keep a friendship going if it is the right one.

Damn, dude. That just sucks. How annoying.

This story of yours raises many big issues. The nature of friendship. The question of friendship between men and women. Romantic/sexual love vs. platonic love. Let me just say that it never ceases to amaze me how free people feel to get in your face. At least this woman had the excuse of being drunk. I have a neighbor who assults me with hostile sarcasm first thing in morning because I get to sleep in a half hour later than he does.

Believe me, guys can be just as catty with each other as women, only it isn’t called cattiness when it happens with them. I’ve never really felt like “one of the guys” and always gravitated towards friendships with women. The problem with that is what you’ve been encountering - people don’t know what to make of it. Another neighbor of mine made a half-joking comment that everyone was going to get suspicious of me just because I was walking down the street and chatting with a woman.

I could go on about this forever, especially if I get to talk about myself.

Seeing that I seem to have more testosterone than any straight chick should, the ladies have never been my friends of choice.

The only exception is my best friend. We both know that what we tell each other stays put and never gets repeated, and there’s absolutely no room for judgment.

Every other woman I know has pulled way too much crap for me to be close with. Sure, we can hang, but I don’t trust them for a second. I call them the “Surface Sistas.” I like them until they give me a reason not to.

A little advice from an older woman who has spent her whole life hanging with the boys - they can be just as catty. It’s more a personality/insecurity thing than a male/female thing.

I’d just rather talk about politics, sports, cars, world events or pretty much anything other than cramps, lost IUD’s or how fat we all feel…

I can totally relate to you on this!

I grew up with 3 brothers and have always had a distrust of girlfriends as I have been burned and hurt too many times. I am just not good at the catty shit…I say it like it is and don’t play those girly games well enough. Now I have a couple close girl friends in my life but that’s it.

I can’t believe how rude that “friend” was to you. How is it any of her business what your relationship with MP is! Sounds like she has got some serious issues!

Smooches…I would totally be your grrrl IRL and I would even lay a serious mackdown on that chick for ya! but that’s just how I roll…just saying

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